00:00:02:04 – 00:00:30:00
Sylvia
I wasn’t prepared to fail. I grew up very performance oriented. Very. I am what I do. If I achieve well, then I’m a great person. Or I’ve arrived. Or you know that I was a human doing, not a human being. And that’s a horrible way to live.

00:00:30:02 – 00:00:58:08
Claudia
Welcome back to Shift Happens. We are now in season four. I feel excited to kick off again with guests from really all over the world. This is truly a serendipitous journey for me as I keep meeting these incredible women. Or they find me. The conversations we have are so full of wisdom and openness, a willingness to be vulnerable, and celebrating turning points in life.

00:00:58:12 – 00:01:36:22
Claudia
It’s all about empathy and compassion. Season four is dedicated to the late Dale Haddon, an inspirational voice on Shift Happens, who recently shared so much wisdom on age and aging, life and living, spirituality and giving. She passed away in a tragic accident during the winter holidays. I am glad you are back and listening. And as you know, I am successfully growing this podcast and I am so proud to reach even further heights and numbers.

00:01:36:22 – 00:01:57:19
Claudia
I just ask you for one little favor. Please hit follow and subscribe wherever you listen to this podcast. This would help me so, so much as an important validation of growth.

00:01:57:21 – 00:02:31:11
Claudia
Today on Shift Happens. I am in conversation with Sylvia Yu Friedman. Sylvia and I met both being luminary thinkers on the Red Books Me ideas platform and collaboration with Cathi. Sylvia is of Korean descent, grew up in Canada, and has been living and working in Hong Kong for the past two decades. She is an award winning author, keynote speaker, an advisor to ultra high net worth families, and the human trafficking expert.

00:02:31:13 – 00:03:12:03
Claudia
Sylvia has spearheaded philanthropic initiatives for some of the world’s wealthiest families and investigated the dark worlds of sex trafficking and modern day slavery. Sylvia is an advocate for women and is the accomplished author of four books. Her latest book, fearless, was published last October. Just after we recorded this conversation, Sylvia shares with us how many years ago, after her divorce, for the very first time, she started to embrace her identity, to love herself and to be free, which set her off onto a journey.

00:03:12:05 – 00:03:27:06
Claudia
Being in service to others.

00:03:27:08 – 00:04:00:07
Claudia
So, Sylvia. Welcome, welcome, welcome to shift happens. Yeah. I’m so glad you’re here. As you know, in my podcast, I’m speaking to women, and they share stories about a pivotal moment and a turning point in their life. And I’m really so glad that things fell into place. And we met online and through Red Book Club, the wonderful collaboration with Cartier, where wonderful thinkers come together and share ideas about life and philosophical thoughts, which I cherish a lot.

00:04:00:09 – 00:04:38:10
Claudia
And whenever I saw something that you shared, I felt immediate connection. So I was so curious to speak to you. So before we, dive into the deeper stuff, I want to, of course, introduce you. You are an award winning filmmaker now. Super successful. Back into private equity wizard and international speaker, social entrepreneur and you’ve written four books and your latest, you just showed it is, fearless, a guide to freedom and fulfilling your fullest potential.

00:04:38:10 – 00:04:45:07
Claudia
Yes. I’m so, so curious about that. I want to ask you, what is your current state of mind?

00:04:45:09 – 00:05:07:05
Sylvia
Oh, I feel I feel good, like I I’ve been pretty slow, like I’ve slowed down a lot since coming back from Korea last week. So. Yeah. So it’s kind of catch up time. So it’s it’s okay. It’s not it’s not too stressful. But next Monday things will, will start picking up.

00:05:07:07 – 00:05:11:16
Claudia
How would you describe your idea of perfect happiness?

00:05:11:18 – 00:05:29:18
Sylvia
Wow. I would say it’s having a calm mind, a peaceful, full spirit, a loving heart, a full heart. And with loving relationships around.

00:05:29:20 – 00:05:33:10
Claudia
And, which living person do you most admire?

00:05:33:12 – 00:06:06:07
Sylvia
Wow. I’d say my mother is the first person to come to mind because she is not, bitter through all the experiences of life. And she is, a very loving, kind, fun, joyful person. And she has never yelled at me and in my life maybe when I was really little. But she’s really been able to keep her cool.

00:06:06:09 – 00:06:21:16
Sylvia
And she has extraordinary IQ and, and knows how to hold her tongue and to be kind to even those who are very mean and, and I admire that in, in my mother.

00:06:21:18 – 00:06:25:08
Claudia
Wow. Hold her tongue. That’s admirable. Yeah.

00:06:25:09 – 00:06:32:22
Sylvia
Exactly like hard.

00:06:32:23 – 00:06:50:17
Claudia
So you shared with me that your a pivotal moment. One of the pivotal moments was back in 2007. And you wrote that you hit rock bottom, if you can put that a little bit into context, also with your cultural background, that would be great. And also what happened then?

00:06:50:19 – 00:07:25:13
Sylvia
Sure. Well, besides, I’ve had some near-death experiences and in investigating the trafficking underworld and nearly died when when I was filming this notorious brothel area. And I came out of it alive by the skin of our teeth. And that led me to have post-traumatic stress, actually, so that that was quite pivotal because it it, helped me to identify with trafficking victims more than I ever could.

00:07:25:15 – 00:08:01:22
Sylvia
Because you and I, Claudia, we we are we are privileged. We we have choices in life. We can choose, you know what to do, where to go, what to wear. And these women, these exploited women have had their their choices, their basic decision stolen from them. And so besides that is my divorce. And and although I’ve made peace with it and I, you know, I feel very good and serene about that experience now.

00:08:02:00 – 00:08:32:06
Sylvia
But when I was going through it back in 2007, it really left me really, because I wasn’t prepared to fail. And I grew up very performance oriented. Very I am what I do, I if I achieve well then I’m, I’m a great person or I’ve arrived or you know, I was a human doing not a human being.

00:08:32:08 – 00:09:04:14
Sylvia
And that’s a horrible way to live. And the divorce, it just knocked all the props under my feet, under my legs, all the false props that were holding up, my ego, my identity, who I was. And the most painful time. Because divorces are always painful, even if you don’t love the person. And I didn’t love the person, I was just rushing in, married for a year and felt like I didn’t deserve.

00:09:04:17 – 00:09:32:13
Sylvia
I wasn’t worthy of love, actually. And so going through that divorce really forced me to process and do the inner work and know who I am. Know why I made that choice? And part of it was cultural, because my, And I’m not blaming my, my father, but my father and grandfather rejected me for being a girl. So there was gender discrimination.

00:09:32:13 – 00:10:22:16
Sylvia
And this affects, like, 80 million women. Yeah, right. And it was subtle and and it was never broadcast. It was never told to me directly by my father or my grandfather. But I felt it. It was it haunted me. It haunted me. And it was as if I was striving in very aggressive ways to prove myself to my dad, the actor, the specter of my dad and I wrote about this on LinkedIn, and actually dozens of men wrote to me and said, I relate it in gender discrimination, but they’ve they’ve had the pain of of not being fully accepted by their fathers.

00:10:22:16 – 00:10:57:20
Sylvia
And feeling like they had to meet some unhealthy or unattainable standard of, of their dad. And so what? How I came to find healing and closure was that led me to investigate the trafficking underworld. It led me to try to help people who are in even more pain than I was. And then that inadvertently led me to find my purpose in life, and that is to help those who are marginal, ized, vulnerable, exploited in traffic.

00:10:57:22 – 00:11:26:16
Sylvia
And I, I felt happier as before the divorce. I was very selfish and wasn’t very philanthropic a little bit, but I hadn’t gone through the school of hard knocks. Really? Not. Not really. And then going through that divorce was so good for me really. And there’s a phrase it’s, it’s not a tomb, it’s a womb. And I would say that was the case for me.

00:11:26:16 – 00:11:41:13
Sylvia
Like initially when I was going through it it felt like death. But after wow it had a renewal. It was it. Absolutely. It was a rebirth, really. I changed so much.

00:11:41:15 – 00:12:02:15
Claudia
Wow. What a story. And also the openness. Yeah. To realize that going through this pain and through this deep valley, that there still is a chance for renewal, you know, that when we hit down there that there is still a way up, especially as you said for us, because we have a privilege. So it’s almost a responsibility, right?

00:12:02:17 – 00:12:26:04
Sylvia
Absolutely. And when we’re going through it and it’s so dark and we just we can’t seem to to think or believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel. And that’s why we need people around us, right? People trust relationships, friendships. And and that was part of what I wrote about in in in the upcoming book.

00:12:26:04 – 00:12:55:06
Sylvia
It’s it was all the lessons I wish I had told my young, you know, that my younger self knew. Right. That I wish I knew in my 20s, my 30s and, and 40s even. And so yeah, I wanted to write this for people who are going through adversity. We’re going through toxic offices or bad relationships or needed advice on how do you find a life partner, right.

00:12:55:07 – 00:13:08:03
Sylvia
Someone who you’ll spend the rest of your life with? Because I do know people in bad marriages who rushed in just like I did in my first marriage. I’m now in a in a in a good second marriage.

00:13:08:05 – 00:13:11:00
Claudia
Yeah, bad marriage. And many stay in there.

00:13:11:02 – 00:13:23:05
Sylvia
I know, I know, and and it’s it’s the kids. The kids also hold old people in place, but it’s, It’s so pervasive Claudia isn’t it.

00:13:23:07 – 00:13:34:00
Claudia
Yeah it is, it really is. So just to understand. So you are Korean. Yes. But you did not grow up in Korea correct. No. You grew up in Canada.

00:13:34:02 – 00:13:34:10
Sylvia
Yes.

00:13:34:11 – 00:13:35:18
Claudia
And you were born in Canada?

00:13:35:18 – 00:14:09:18
Sylvia
No, I was born in Korea. And then at two I moved to, Vancouver. And so basically I wasn’t very in tune with the Korean culture or language, but in the last few years I’ve really embraced it. And so different opportunities have come to me here and there like, a Korean drama company. They want to work with me on, developing a TV series based on my my journey of investigating the trafficking underworld.

00:14:09:19 – 00:14:37:07
Sylvia
And then I’ve also been asked to coach, a K-pop band and, so, you know, just different things that I thought, gosh, like, or how random. But interestingly, when I was when those opportunities came up, I thought, oh, yeah, I, I, I could see myself really enjoying that. And also having a connection back to my cultural roots.

00:14:37:09 – 00:14:54:10
Claudia
And what I’m interested in also when you grew up, how did you identify like did you feel Korean, did you feel Asian. Did you feel Canadian. Yeah I can imagine it’s not that easy. And also if you are not so close to your original original culture, you know, how do you bridge that?

00:14:54:11 – 00:15:33:03
Sylvia
Absolutely. You know that you just hit the nail on the head because the by cultural ness, being both Korean and Canadian, yet neither here nor there, I was in the bridge on the bridge in the middle. So I didn’t fully belong on the Canadian side, and I didn’t fully belong on the Korean side. And so being in this kind of ambiguous gray space and also when I was younger, suffering for it, right, and experiencing racial discrimination, which was very perplexing to a child.

00:15:33:05 – 00:16:16:20
Sylvia
And this became my superpower later on. And, and it’s allowed me to navigate across culture. Right. And I’ve lived overseas in Beijing and Hong Kong since 2004. And it’s also helped me to find my voice and, and to really, dig in to who I am. And had I not had this bi cultural kind of navigating two different worlds like my Korean world with my parents, eating Korean food at home and then back at school with mostly Caucasian friends at that time, although Vancouver is now more than 50% Asian.

00:16:17:01 – 00:16:57:00
Sylvia
But back when I was growing up, it was very the Asians were in the minority. And so yeah, navigating that, it’s I think it did wonders for my communication skills later on and the ability to, read between the lines even. And, so yeah, I’m thankful for it now. But going through it, you don’t really appreciate the hard times or the challenges or the perceived barriers, but it it also gave me the grit and the resilience to overcome like little hindrances.

00:16:57:02 – 00:17:13:11
Sylvia
Right. And and thank God for that. Otherwise you know I’d be a marshmallow or, or what do they call millennials strawberries where you press them and they turn red or something like that.

00:17:13:13 – 00:17:14:17
Claudia
That’s so mean.

00:17:14:17 – 00:17:19:04
Sylvia
It is mean isn’t it. Yeah. I appreciate millennials I get along with that.

00:17:19:07 – 00:17:43:19
Claudia
Yeah. Oh, totally. So you then started on your way to investigate human trafficking, which is I find now that, you know, I read more about you, and I really cannot wait to read your book, A Long Road to Justice. Oh, yeah. Even though I’m also a little bit scared. Yeah, because it’s so horrific. And so what made you go down that path?

00:17:43:19 – 00:17:50:20
Claudia
And even after this near-death experience, really stick to it and dedicate part of your life to it as well?

00:17:50:21 – 00:18:35:13
Sylvia
Yeah. Well, the initial reason for me to begin investigating the the horrors of sex slavery was when I was 15, turning 16, my mom shared an article, about, survivor of a Korean survivor in Seoul who had, survived the unspeakable, Japanese military sex slavery, forced prostitution. And she had gone through it for several years, and I was in shock because I had I was in the 11th grade and had gone through, the world wars, right.

00:18:35:13 – 00:19:21:11
Sylvia
And learning about World War two. Yet there was no mention of any suffering women, no mention of Asian women. And that was something that really profoundly disturbed me about that. But I couldn’t articulate it at that time. And I couldn’t comprehend that these history textbooks in my school, in my high school, in a predominantly Caucasian Vancouver at that time were Eurocentric and and I knew it was wrong to not be exposed to other, other aspects, other, other history stories.

00:19:21:13 – 00:19:50:20
Sylvia
Yet I couldn’t put it in words and and and so that had a big impact on me. And I remember my mom telling me about this story and me going to the library, looking up the the books in the library and, realizing, oh, wow, no, no mention at all whitewashing. And I realized at that time, though, I was so young, I realized, you know what?

00:19:50:22 – 00:20:20:05
Sylvia
We need an English book, right? And there was something in me that I didn’t articulate it, but I thought, wow, like, I really wanted to read it in English. And there was only a newspaper in Korean. And so fast forward that was like, oh, you know, I’m turning 16. Fast forward, I must have been 25, 26. And someone told me, an activist told me about a survivor.

00:20:20:05 – 00:20:49:22
Sylvia
I think she was 83 at the time. Kim Soon doc, who, was testifying at the U.S. State Department and she was supporting a bill calling on the Japanese government to apologize for forcing girls as young as 11 and, a few hundred thousand women from across Asia into this system of military force prostitution. And in a matter of hours, I decided I need to fly in.

00:20:49:22 – 00:21:18:12
Sylvia
I need to meet this woman because this question mark, this this curiosity, this, compulsion really began. The seed of it began when I was a teenager. And then, I just knew I needed to go there and meet her because I had heard Holocaust survivors speak and and felt like, yeah, we need a public record. At that time when I was older, 25, 26, we need something written.

00:21:18:12 – 00:21:51:04
Sylvia
And I was a journalist at that time. So I flew in to interview her. And then that left me on the track of I need to write a book in English about this chapter in history and write about write war crimes and things like that. And then it was the divorce, my divorce experience that pretty much sealed the deal and had me continue, but with more identification, more empathy and compassion.

00:21:51:10 – 00:22:25:23
Sylvia
Because before then, really, I could not identify. But after the divorce, I could. I could understand the darkness, the depression, the I mean, it’s only a fraction of what trafficking victims go through, but it it just it also helped me understand that true fulfillment and contentment comes when you’re helping those in need, when you’re helping other people, when your eyes are off yourself.

00:22:26:01 – 00:22:48:04
Sylvia
And so I tell people who are going through crisis, my friends, that, hey, look outward, start to help somebody, right? Don’t get so self-absorbed because when you are in troubled times, it’s it’s just a natural reflex to be navel gazing. Right.

00:22:48:06 – 00:23:12:21
Claudia
So of course I was wondering and maybe it’s, you know, some kind of silo perception of me, but I feel that human trafficking is not, much reported topic. And now that I got into that, a little bit more through your leads, I’m flabbergasted. Yeah, that this is not basically on the front page daily, and it’s still going on and everybody knows about it.

00:23:12:21 – 00:23:16:10
Claudia
Nothing. Yeah. It’s, I mean, I, I was really in shock.

00:23:16:12 – 00:23:50:07
Sylvia
Yes. You know, like Claudia, everyone who hears my talk and even my husbands talk, they say the same thing. Isn’t that interesting that why isn’t this on the front page? My husband has said that very phrase in 100 speeches. And it’s true. It’s it’s this insidious it because it’s hidden. Because it’s hidden. It’s it’s, hard to investigate.

00:23:50:09 – 00:24:38:06
Sylvia
Right. And I was the first to interview a trafficking survivor and expose this extensively in Hong Kong and, in parts of other parts of the world. But this, this topic actually began, being covered thoroughly, more thoroughly than before, I’d say around 2016. 20 1617 is so there are some news agencies that that dedicate you know, they, they have a human rights reporter and, and so I’m thankful for that because they’ve been able to shine a spotlight like CNN Freedom Day.

00:24:38:07 – 00:24:53:04
Sylvia
They, they also do series on, on modern day slavery. And we need more of that. Yeah. But absolutely. Claudia, I, I share your sentiment and so, so do people who who hear about this.

00:24:53:06 – 00:24:59:20
Claudia
So next is your book launch. Yeah. Let’s get back to that. So that’s October 29th.

00:24:59:20 – 00:25:01:10
Sylvia
You said October 29th.

00:25:01:14 – 00:25:07:07
Claudia
Where will you launch it. What’s next on that road and what’s next in general.

00:25:07:08 – 00:25:38:09
Sylvia
So I’ll do like just a series of launches. I’m not going to have one big one. I’ll just speak everywhere that I can all the, the doors that open. And so, I’ve been able to get, many speaking engagements so far, and, we’ll continue to go to companies, rotary clubs, schools, cities, cafes and, and do as, as many.

00:25:38:10 – 00:26:15:15
Sylvia
Yeah. That I, that I can do every week because I truly believe that, this book message the book is called fearless truly believe we can begin a fearless kind of movement, especially for women and and to, encourage us to connect and to overcome our personal issues, like, you know, imposter syndrome or perfectionism or, feelings of unworthiness or self-hatred, you name it.

00:26:15:17 – 00:27:00:09
Sylvia
And then when we do this inner work, we can reach our potential a lot more than when we didn’t. And when we do reach our potential, I believe then we are more willing and more open to, help those in need. And so this fearless movement, the vision behind it, is to encourage as many people to use their time, their talents, their money, their influence to really help those who are the most marginalized, marginalized on earth and to help those in slavery.

00:27:00:11 – 00:27:11:11
Sylvia
So, yeah, that’s that’s my my vision. And, so, yeah, that that’s why I’m going to be speaking everywhere as much as I can.

00:27:11:12 – 00:27:35:09
Claudia
It’s a very important topic, but also very timely at the moment. There is so much fear on so many fronts. I mean, yes, it’s somehow innate in the modern woman, unfortunately. So we have to kind of think that I’m with you on that. But altogether, I think as societies we have to step out of this fear despite all the threats that might be out there and really connect.

00:27:35:09 – 00:27:38:03
Claudia
That’s the only way to get through this, I feel.

00:27:38:05 – 00:28:18:22
Sylvia
Yeah, yeah, it’s all universal. And every day in the last two weeks, I’d say, yeah, almost everyone mentioned of fear or worry or anxiety. And I struggled with fear for so long and learned to really center myself and and to let go like I used to be, for instance. So scared of transitions, so scared of not knowing what’s next because I needed to be in control and to not be in control was so terrifying to me.

00:28:19:00 – 00:28:49:03
Sylvia
And it gets easier, gets easier, and to, you know, tell myself, right. Like, what are these fears like fear is there’s another acronym, false evidence appearing real notes. So I have techniques where I write it down and and then I delve into it like, what’s really bothering me and getting to the root of that and having friends around you to keep you accountable.

00:28:49:05 – 00:29:04:09
Claudia
Yeah. Well said. So as you said, you’ve been super busy and whizzing around just on a personal note, what do you do to relax and to calm down. And on the other hand, what energizes you.

00:29:04:11 – 00:29:31:15
Sylvia
Yeah I, I do a lot of body massage. No surprise to iron out the, the not knots, the, the knots in my back muscles, my shoulder, neck. That I really enjoy. It’s so therapeutic. And, and I’ve had moments where I’m getting a massage and then, you know, how emotions can be trapped in your muscles and in your body.

00:29:31:15 – 00:30:02:22
Sylvia
And there have been more than a handful of times when I’m getting the work done, and it’s the only time where I’m really still. And I’m lying there face down and like tears start to flow. Right. And so that just reaffirms the, the pressing need to be still. To really find that inner peace. And I didn’t have inner peace last three and a half months.

00:30:02:22 – 00:30:36:01
Sylvia
Not a lot of it but exercise. That’s that’s my saving grace. It’s, it’s getting, getting on, on the treadmill. It’s running or getting out in nature. Touching a tree, being near trees. The green leaves. I have a park near me that I love going to because the, the treed area and there’s a track surrounded by trees and bushes and beautiful flowers like hibiscus.

00:30:36:03 – 00:31:00:17
Sylvia
And it reminds me of Vancouver and it just it it feeds my soul. And it because it reminds me of the, the environment I grew up in. And so I will walk around that track and that refreshed me or I’ll go by the water like whether it’s, we live like four minute walk by, the Victoria Harbor.

00:31:00:19 – 00:31:33:17
Sylvia
And so just by that or we go to the beach, it’s, it’s nearby and, and, and I’ll, listen to the lapping, the rhythmic waves. And that helps calm and soothe me like few things can. And, other hobbies like antiquing or, watching movies or even binge watching Emily in Paris, you know, Netflix that, that just tell, you know, to just turn off the mind.

00:31:33:18 – 00:31:39:05
Sylvia
Yeah, yeah. And, and then your second question was, what brings me joy, right? That was.

00:31:39:05 – 00:31:42:02
Claudia
Yeah. And whatever. So. Jesus, you. Yeah.

00:31:42:04 – 00:32:34:16
Sylvia
Yeah. So what energizes me is being around encouraging positive people who love life and and even this conversation with you, Claudia, it’s energizing because you have such a calm, a beautiful tranquility about you. And the way you ask questions is so natural. And and that is energy giving not draining. Right. And so that and then just yeah, spending time with my husband friends, just having fun and really my guiding principle is trying to have fun and enjoyment and a happy time.

00:32:34:18 – 00:33:12:14
Sylvia
Even, even if it’s like drudgery even, even if it’s, you know, something really hard like investigating the trafficking underworld but trying to find moments of levity, moments of lightness and humor. That’s what keeps me going. And I liked laugh, so I, I like to, to try to have one uncontrollable laughter fit, you know, every so often, I mean, I, I said to myself, I want to I want to do uncontrollable laughter once a day, but it doesn’t happen every day.

00:33:12:14 – 00:33:19:02
Sylvia
But no ideal. Claudia, I would love to. I would love to.

00:33:19:04 – 00:33:30:12
Claudia
Yeah. You’re right, I think that’s this a beautiful ending. And summary. So yeah I wish you of course great success with your book. And will you come to the US at all.

00:33:30:17 – 00:33:51:05
Sylvia
Yes. In fact next year I’ve been invited to speak in California and so I will try to organize some book tours and I’ve done two book tours in America, before. And so I, I need to gear up for that. And. Yeah.

00:33:51:05 – 00:33:54:20
Claudia
So let me know, your plans to come to New York? Yeah.

00:33:54:20 – 00:33:55:23
Sylvia
It was it was great.

00:33:55:23 – 00:33:58:20
Claudia
It was so lovely to speak to you. Thank you so much for your time.

00:33:58:21 – 00:34:02:15
Sylvia
Thank you. Claudia, thank you for this wonderful conversation.

00:34:02:15 – 00:34:18:21
Claudia
Thank you. So. Yeah. All the best. Bye bye. Bye bye. Bye.

00:34:18:23 – 00:34:48:19
Claudia
What a story. And what an impressive way and deeply conscious reflection on how and where to find purpose in life. Always when we are willing to give and be in support of others less fortunate. Thank you for listening to shift Happens. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe to my podcast and follow me on Instagram at Shift Happens Dot podcast.

00:34:48:21 – 00:35:22:17
Claudia
Don’t be shy and reach out if you have a person who you think I should be in conversation with, or an idea for a relevant topic, you can contact me at Claudia at claudiamahler.com or via Instagram. Shift happiness has been created and is hosted by me, Claudia Mahler editing Andy Boroson, social media Magda Reckendrees. I hope you felt connected and heard by listening to shift happens.